It’s been a week (but it seems like a lifetime) since I last cast my eyes over this horrible page dubbed “the adventures of the 14 day Thesis”. In those last hazy hours before I finally dragged the horrible, jabbering, shadow of my former self up that cold cement staircase that leads to the UQ School of Journalism complex, I had nothing but a scrapbook full of hand-scrawled notes and manic ramblings to recount for my madness…
I remember thinking something like, “Jesus. I’m a mess! Will they even let me in the front door? Or will the sight of some Ether Binging reclusive drunk stumbling like a reanimated zombie from some 1930’s Hollywood horror film finally push the mild mannered Office Administrator so far out over the edge that the only way back would be to obey her reptilian/gut intuition, pull out that .45 Winchester Magnum she keeps in her purse and blow me away into a combination of fine red mist and mince meat…”
Needles to say my head was a little adrift from its moorings, but my paranoia was justified because the threat of violence erupting from this woman and directed toward me was very, very real.
Every morning for the past 2 weeks I’d verbally abused and humiliated this quiet little woman with my very presence and lingering odours since we first butted heads in the “staff only” coffee room where she found both me and my Thesis Supervisor enjoying two tall glasses of Wild Turkey on ice along with a couple of fine Indonesian Clove Cigarettes.
She entered the room abruptly to catch me half way through reciting tales one of my heinous drug adventures from time spent in Far North Queensland. I was telling her about the time I had to bail a mate out of the local lockup with a head full of Acid and a pocket full of pills.
“Jesus, I was a sweaty, incoherent mess - a total nerve case – and when they finally brought my friend out of the lockup he laughed to find me assuring the Paroling Officer that, “No, I hadn’t been drinking. I always sweat like this. Yes, even at night officer. Hell Yeah! I’ll take a breathalyser to prove it!” (All the time trying to light a cigarette the wrong way around, and with pupils the size of small moons.)
He laughed so hard that he had been arrested for a trumped up charge like Public Drunkenness while a true born, natural lunatic like me was able to wander the street in glistening sweat and avoiding all trouble by just flashing everyone a gnarled, toothy grin.”
The Office Administrator was shocked by this she was about to call Campus Security when Chris, thinking quickly, leapt to my defence and proclaimed the whole story as a short film idea we were planning on writing. “The A.F.C s big on Drug Tales at the moment,” he said. “Just look at Little Fish and High Five…”
There was moment of confused silence before he let out a loud, bellowing howl of laughter and the tension in the room was eased. The Office woman smiled, obviously not understanding, and slipped out the door in silence. It took a couple of minutes for me to join Chris in his festivities, the confrontation had left me a little rattled and completely sober. “Man I though we were totally fucked,” I muttered to no one in particular. “I’ve already been in front of the Dean once this semester for smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the Library computer labs last week, one more strike like that and I’m out outta here.”
“Don’t worry,” gibed Chris, “she’s totally harmless.”
He finished his Wild Turkey in one long gulp and stood up, ready to leave. “You just about done? I’ve gotta get to class, so you ok to show yourself out?
“Yeah man. It’s cool.” I thrust my right hand into the air, mimicking a Black Panther statuette. “Death To the Weird.” I hollered as he marched off along the beige corridors of institutionalised learning.
This is how a true Gonzo Academic interacts and indulges with their students – level-to-level, eye-to-eye. It’s the sort of behaviour you won’t find outside of Queensland, except for maybe in the hallowed corridors of Charles Darwin University in the NT or the Gonzo Academic’s homeland up at Joseph Banks University located somewhere near Cairns - where the actual campus is hidden like a lost Civilisation behind the overgrown combination of Tropical Rainforest and Sugar Cane and is populated by two distinct classes of Weirdo - The Alternative Crowd and the Army Suckers.
The Army has alleviated the indulgence of Liquid Lunches for it’s senior staff by enforcing a tightened regiment of drug testing and more arduous fitness requirements on it’s aging soldier population - and have consequently seen a savage diminishing of their ranks and numbers.
The point is that in order to stay relevant to the new generation of pill popping, drink swilling “work hard, play harder” student caucus born in the Decade of Depravity (1981 – 1991), the only way to grasp their respect and the millisecond of attention they’re willing to spend on YOU AND YOUR LECTURE is take up arms with the aesthetics of Gonzo Academia and butcher the traditional pedagogy of Higher Education like the sacred cow that it is!
“But why should I change the way that I teach just to cater to their drug dependant lifestyle?”
The argument that the Student is the one at fault for not paying attention because they’re the ones coughing up the debt to afford HECS (or Fee-Help) is further evidence of the generational divide that is plaguing higher education.
“But if they’re paying all this money in HECS why would they not show up to class/ show up to class but not pay attention?”
Those born in the Decade of Depravity now face what Thompson called The Grim Slide. Here are a couple of examples:
*This is the first generation of children to grow up with a lower standard of living than their parents.
*A Generation who have been completely turned off Politics because they’ve known no Heroes, only Villains such as Regan, Bush and Howard.
*A Generation who wake up everyday with the looming threat of Debt and financial ruin because they fought with HECS, struggled to get an education and now find themselves unable to afford a Home Loan because of it.
*A Generation whose parents are better off telling them to be Blue Collar Workers rather that White Collar Professionals because there is no longer a stable middle-class and all the jobs (above the gutter/street sweeper) are taken.
Face it, this is a Generation of brain-damaged geeks who will never co-operate and manifest the throws of revolution because we have become a Generation of Strangers. There is no unity, there is no community. The only way to rise above your “brethren” in this generation is to manipulate and exploit their weakness and hope by offering them some insight into themselves, because their ideas of self-confidence and self worth have become more corrupt and disintegrated than the corpse of Richard Nixon.
Consequently I will be holding a $500 dollar a head seminar on the topic of Gonzo Academia, the Decade of Depravity and the future of Higher Education. All are welcome. Please RSVP to –
Gonzo Academic Inc.
PO Box – 198222.
Port Moresby, PNG.
It’s an offshore account because I don’t want to be around when the bow finally breaks but alas, we are off topic.
Back to the Thesis and I have to say it was a resounding success. I finished the bugger of the Friday, handed it in and fled to the Gold Coast for some sun, silence and sanctuary, where my only care in the world was writing a little advertising copy for a friend of mine on the Porno business.
He owns a Condo down on Broadbeach where he accommodates 4 gorgeous young models who are photographed daily with the photographs then sent out to horny young men with 3G mobile phones who pay $5 for the privilege. Not a bad scheme by anyone’s means when you consider the total subscription fee from one year costs a cool $1825 a year just to ooogle over soft-core pornography. Hell I was there for just over 5 days and the girls definitely gave me more than my money’s worth - Death to the Weird!
Alas I now find myself back here in Brisbane, well rested and thoroughly recuperated for my next ominous assignment. At 8am tomorrow morning I will get up, take a shower, eat a pound of bacon and drink two pots of coffee, for I will need all the strength I can muster as I attempt to infiltrate the BIG BROTHER AUDITIONS HELD AT UQ.
The pond scum always rises when the water gets to hot, and the weather forecast for tomorrow is supposed to be a scorcher.
May you live in interesting times eh? May you live in interesting times.
-H-
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